Persnickety Processors. Exceptional Processed Cheese.

It always seemed eye-rolly that the grocery brand Sargento cheese, found next to Kraft cheese, would have such a macho name (SARGE, al Italiano) but such a finical, mama's boy promo line:  "Persnickety people. Exceptional cheese."  One could ask, is that motto uncatchy? And the answer might be, does Principal Skinner live with his mother?
 

It's sort of ironic that Sargento's 2009 commercial pokes fingers at processed cheese, the very same year the billion dollar company earned Processor of the Year.  Perhaps the coveted award oozed its way into the persnicketed consciousness as they have since toned down the milquetoast tagline for less cheesy, more practical pasteurs.  Sargento

Beyaz Beheld

Yaz, possibly the most controversial pill since The Pill is getting a scrub-up formula and turning into Beyaz (no relation to bee-otch, says Bayer.)  Beyaz is a birth control pill with an identity problem, it's still Yaz the Pill but now it contains folate which is a vitamin every OB-GYN recommends to pregnant mothers because it helps decrease certain birth defects.  Bayer clearly thinks it's a plucky, genius idea to put it in a contraceptive, because......

Beyaz is marketed to well groomed, travel-bound, cotton dress wearing sluts.  The only boyfriend-object in its commercial is 2-D and snatched away by some obvious Beyaz-guzzling whore.

I think my favorite part is when the sprightly announcer lady smiles through the fatal warnings and determines a distinction between PMS and PMDD.  PMS is what pussies get, I mean you can remedy that shit over the Fanny Farmer counter or through Lifetime Movies for Women, or with a neti pot.  Real women with real agitation and cramps get PMDD, why you gotta be some surly burly beast to put up with that monster, which is what the pharmaceutical industry wants us to believe ever since they invented PMDD to sell Prozac in pink pills for 3x the price. That, and Bayer got in trouble for marketing Yaz as a cure for zits and PMS, oh yeah that!

It's Spa--wn Day!

Ah fuck me, I love Disney vacations, but it's not that I didn't notice the cross-selling on a recent episode of Disney Channel's Phineas and Ferb---selling spa treatments to children and adolescents, just as Aulani, Disney's latest Spa&Resort opens. Parents, strap on your...your home eq loan?  No, those are over.  Um, strap on your....credit card?  No, too anti-TwennyTeens.  Strap on your....tax refunds?  Hahahahahahahaaa.  I guess this episode was just for youse rich parents, the ones who can afford the airfare to Hawai'i to begin with.  It's spaaaaa daaaay fo-yo offspring..

Approach Reproach

I'm not sure how I feel about Quilted Northern tp's new ad campaign. I imagine it's a little tricky trying to figure out how to market an enormously needed but inherently vulgar product, and I also suspect Quilted Northern maybe went a little mental when Viva suggested that "quilted is towelspeak for air,"  even though Viva canceled the spot after Bounty bitched and complained.  Considering this, it appears that after decades of stale kiddie commercials and tiny animated quilters who were more boring than real ones, Quilted Northern is  ready for a new, non-quilted direction.  I can see it now, the ad execs brainstorming the ideas...and then after about 2 hours of coming up with nothing good, tossing their pens onto half-scratched legal pads and throwing their shoulders into a "fuck it" shrug, and heading to lunch feeling good about going forth with this craziness:

Clearly they battle Cottonelle puppies and cute Charmin bear bums, but going full tilt with the literal approach? Forcing direct-hit BM's into viewers laps, is this such a good idea?  It's completely inauthentic, no one gets into these conversations nor does anyone think "it's time to start" and I also bet that no one really believes that their product works better than Cottonelle or Charmin.  Oh, but it's sensible, strong, ethnically varied WOMEN talking seriously about wiping shitty asses, that's empowering, it's not men talking seriously about wiping shitty male asses---that would be gross. 

That's it, pass the clown horn:  HONK!  Thanks, Quilted Northern....


HONK!

Gooder

We have a new commercial word on our hands, and it's bad. Not bad in the Michael Jackson white-tiled parking garage way or in the Smucker's Goober Grape so-bad-it's-good-way, at all. We were first introduced to the new word in a Tropicana ad with the very funny Jane Krakowski, her commercial friends use "gooder" in place of "better" and at first the error is acknowledged, but ultimately accepted.

And then Gain detergent inexplicably uses the word in a spot that features simple farm folk.

Coincidencer? I think notter.

The Corporate Advertiser's Definition of Brilliance

Office Max or Office Depot (unsure which) currently runs a radio ad that goes something like this:

"You're the office manager, it's 3pm and most office managers would put off doing any further work until the next day. But not you! Your office needs printer ink, and you order it online, and everyone in the office thinks you have superpowers because you did this. You turned a moment of opportunity into a moment of BRILLIANCE!"

You know when grumpy old people yammer on about the dumbing-down of this country. It's worse, I mean really, this spot is sincere but it reads like a Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" ad, it purposely promotes slackeria, what gives? "Hm. Why am I doing any work after 3:00? According to the radio even the office manager whacks off until 5, is this customary? Is ordering office supplies considered a hefty task? Why, I can do that in my sleep, I must be pretty awesome in this world. I'm...bril =D LIANT!!!" Why would anyone think this commercial is suitable?? WHY????

Planet Hypocrisy

I know what it's like at Planet Fitness, it's clean, it's adequate, it's a good value. The place is plastered with signs advising patrons that PF is a "No Judgement Zone," that "NO CRITICS" are allowed, which makes me feel a little jerkish pointing out that in this country there is only one e in "judgment," but whatever, proper spelling is small potatoes when you have a company looking out for your dignity, right.

Here is a recent ad campaign of theirs:

Ok, so...no consumer judgment allowed at Planet Fitness, but if you tremendously enjoy fitness then the company reserves the right to mistreat you, y'know, for commerce. Not to get too pious but I know smart interesting people who have certain verbal tics, they repeat things over and over, wtf. And, hi, that "dum dum dum dum dum" at the end is totally ripped off from the Mormon episode of South Park, so, as much as I think PF is a decent facility, PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF is all I have left to say about this ad.